The Bad Mom

“Go ahead. Try me.” I whispered at her.

I gave her one of the onsies I made that says, “War Sucks!”

She gave me one of her bandana bibs she makes.

“Yeah, I’m selling them at Whole Foods and I have a website, and I have other moms work for me because I can’t make enough of them! Maybe you should come work for me.”

Then she and her baby started talking in sign language to one another.

“Yeah that’s great but my kid will talk for real and the only sign he needs is this.” I say as I flip her Ozzy’s middle finger.

This guy I knew from Kentucky wanted to set me up with his friend’s old lady whose about to drop a little girl any day now. She’s also from Kentucky and doesn’t know many people in Portland. I went through Ozzy’s clothes and packed a garbage bag of stuff that doesn’t fit anymore. I knocked on the front door of a huge beautiful home.

“Maybe they live in the basement.” I thought as the young pregnant woman answered the door.

“Come on in, but please take off your shoes. We just remodeled.”

“Yes, you did!” I said admiring the hardwood floors, crown molding and wall mounted flat screen TV.

“I brought some of Ozzy’s old clothes, but maybe I should give them to someone who needs them more.” I said realizing that may have sounded rude. We sat in something called a Solarium and I realized I was wearing two different colored socks.

“This is where we will set up the hot tub. We’re hoping for a water birth but I heard it can be too relaxing making it hard to push. What was it like for you?” she asked.

“Oh, I was relaxed all right. I couldn’t feel my legs for three days after my C-section.” I laughed watching her eyes get big with fear.

“Don’t worry though, everyone is different and I gave birth at a University so they didn’t really know what they were doing.” I assured her.

“Did you eat the Placenta?” she asked.

“No, no I draw the line at Sushi.”