The Bad Mom

My mom tries to play “pass the ass” with me, where she sniffs the baby’s ass then passes him to me and says, “Do you think he pooped?”

“I’m not a dog, I don’t sniff ass,” I reply holding up my hand blocking the pamper coming at my face.

Then mom bravely sticks her finger into the diaper to confirm. 

“Look I know when I was a baby (thirty-one years ago) diapers were held together by a flap that once you tore it from the diaper, plastic would stick and whether or not I shit myself you had to change me because the flap would no longer hold.  Today a Velcro like material holds the diaper so we don’t have to do the scratch and sniff game. 

     As advanced as the diaper has come over the years, there is still a risk of malfunction as I found out while riding the bus recently.  I was holding the baby, butt facing out when he ripped a big boy fart.  The woman sitting in front of me turned around.

 ”Excuse me,” I said as if that rumble was coming from my ass.  The baby made a few grunting noises then a stream of yellow projecting baby shit squirted everywhere; down my shirt, on the back of the seat in front of me and all over the floor.

 ”Oh, Shit!”  I said literally.

     I heard a licking noise and looked down to find a service dog for the blind man sitting behind me LICKING the baby shit off the floor!  I didn’t know whether to be discussed or grateful.  I patted the Golden Retriever and said, “Good doggie.”

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