The Bad Mom

One day I was watching TV after school when a commercial came on and asked: “Do you want to know the meaning of life?”

Uhhhh, yeah. I picked up the phone and called the 1-800 number on the screen. The operator asked for my name and address and said she was sending the meaning of life in 3-6 business days. The next day two young men in suits introduced themselves as Elder One and Elder Two.

What a coincidence, you’re both named Elder? They chuckled and I invited them in.

Are you guys here to bring me the meaning of life?

Yes, we have been sent to you from God. They said as they handed me a bible and a ring with the letters CTR.

What does CTR mean? I asked as I placed the ring on my finger.

Choose The Right, said Elder one. Let us pray.

The three of us held hands and began to pray, until mom came home from work.

What the hell is going on?

This is Elder one and Elder two, they know the meaning of life.

“Oh brother,” she rolled her eyes as the Elders said Amen and that they’d like to continue to see me for bible study where I would soon know the meaning of life. They returned every week for bible study and I just enjoyed the company of two hot guys who seemed to care. I began to secretly see Elder two on the side for “private lessons” which consisted of me giving him blow jobs. He said Oral sex wasn’t really sex. Mom was always open minded about the people I dated: guys/ girls, black /Hispanic, younger/ older, thugs/gangsters she didn’t even flinch when I dated a blind guy and his dog. But she put her foot down when it came to me dating a Mormon, fearing I would run off to Utah and get married and have lots of little Elders.

Mom confided in one of her co-workers who was Mormon. She told them that I was only 16 and made the issue more about my age than her hate/ fear for their religon.

The co-worker made a phone call. That was the day my mom sent my Mormon away. I never saw my Mormon again nor did I ever learn the meaning of life. 

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