Jun
30
2008
Part of my glamorous career in radio involved making public appearances, which I hated. For me it was like: Hey I’m down here at CAR TOYS giving away concert tickets for Limp Bizkit. But one particular appearance was on our local morning television show. 3 DJ’S- me being one of them- were to race during AM traffic by freeway, streets and me riding on public transportation which was the light rail train.
There was a slight miscommunication with the live programming. I thought the producer said to hop the next train but what he meant was wait until they were live and then hop the next train. I had just ruined the race because I got a head start. I’m broadcasting from my cell phone on the train as the news chopper is flying overhead. The anchor couple is irritated calling me a cheater, the people I’m squished next to seem equally irritated. The producer tells me to get off on 1st street, walk to Waterfront Park to find some monument. I paced for miles in the wrong direction before the traffic chopper flew overhead as I waved my arms like I needed to be rescued not realizing the chopper is filming me making an ass of myself. The traffic reporter called my cell phone and said turn around your going the wrong way.
I retraced my steps to the monument where my co-workers sat irritated. They left and I got on the train. When I got back to the station, I got heckled and laughed at but never had to do make an appearance again.
Jun
29
2008
Bed Wetter
I skipped through the mall all the way to Sears. There it was. The pink and grey 10-speed bike I had been asking Santa, the Easter Bunny and dandelions for but never received until now. Nope it wasn’t even my 12th birthday. I stopped wetting the bed. When all else fails…. Bribery.
It’s not like I chose to wake up every morning drenched in my own waste. I loved the humiliation at slumber parties; I’d suddenly wake up super early realizing I had messed myself. I’d quickly roll up my bag and get dressed before anyone else woke. Later my friends brother found himself damp while eating his fruity pebbles watching cartoons.
Ahhhhh, what’s all wet?!
He stuck his nose to the shag carpet for identification.
It’s piss!!
Molly was sleeping there, the mean girl narc’d me out.
Everyone Ewwwwwwwwwed me.
I didn’t get invited to many sleepovers after that, luckily we moved a lot.
I analyzed my problem was that I slept too hard to wake up on my own. So I started setting an alarm clock and soon my body got into a routine. I’m proud to say that I’ve been dry for 20 years now, if pissing yourself while heavily intoxicated doesn’t count.
My name’s Molly and I am a bed wetter.
Jun
23
2008
Farmers Market
Now that I have a baby, I’ve been forced to become a morning person. On the plus side I get to shop or shove my way through the farmers market Saturday morning with all the other early risers. I love that smell of kettle corn and beautiful flower arrangements. The rainbow of fruits and vegetables look good enough to eat. I can only afford the free samples right now and helped myself to what I thought was a cookie. The woman behind the table said, “ma’am, those are doggie treats.”
“Will they kill me?” I asked
“Well, no,” she hesitated.
“Then it’s fine.” I said as I took another.
Free entertainment is provided by random musical performers and on this day it was the “one man band” guy with various instruments strapped to himself like a suicide bomber ready to ignite. I too was strapped with my kid dangling from my stomach, thinking the only thing I use to strap on was a dildo, now look at me. Toddlers gathered around the man with their own tambourines and horns to add to the clatter they called music.
“Are there any requests?” the one man band guy asks the shorties.
“Shut up!” the one who could talk yelled.
“I have a request to shut up,” he giggles into the mic, “any other request?”
“Purple People Eater!” Another little one shouts as we got rockin.
Out of nowhere an elderly man who was either drunk or crazy joined the toddler mosh pit dancing and singing. He got his hips going and butt bumped an elderly bystander who lost her balance and stage dove onto the pit of toddlers and like London Bridges “they all fall down.” Parents went in to claim their screaming kid from the dog pile of pampers as the old guy was nowhere to be found.
